[ She reaches out, taking Mel's hand. She's heard that in other people's voices before, and has felt the same in her own throat. Vulnerable, scared of being vulnerable, scared that she might open up and disgust the other person with the truth. Whatever it is, it's tied to Melissa's being, it's shaped her and the other girls. It holds on to their skin like a scar. ]
It's okay.
[ And then she wonders — if one of them did it, if one of them killed Peony and took her hair, did she or they feel like that's what they were doing? Instead of monsters thirsting for bloodshed, there was a part that still clung to their humanity, that reached in and gave Peony what dignity they could?
Maybe that's why she was just half-buried. They couldn't go on. Wouldn't go on. ]
[ Mel looks down at their hands, the way Cellar's is wrapped around hers, and thinks back to the time they left the glitter party and held hands the whole way, fingers entwined, like normal, happy people. And now they're out here in some fucked up commune in the middle of a game where people are actually dead and more people are going to die. Maybe them, too. ]
Yes, we pinned pieces of her hair onto Shauna's robe. [ Slowly, with her other hand, she reaches up to wipe away the tears that are welling up and spilling over. ] But it was my fault she died, okay? Shauna didn't kill her and take her hair. It wasn't like Ren said.
[ Even now, she hears Melissa's confession and can't make herself believe it. Is that what they told her? Another idea planted in her mind, something to take root and place her under their control? ]
Mel…
[ Reaching, brushing her thumb on Mel's cheek, underlying the guilt, she sees a current of fear, unknown waters coursing underground. ]
[ She nods, quiet. Then she pulls gently, leading her away. She gets the feeling this is something they don't want any of the reverend's flock to overhear, let alone those who are playing this land's twisted game. ]
Not here. We'll go near the woods.
[ Once they get to the tree line, Cellar looks around one more time, then runs her hand through a strand of Melissa's hair like it's a habit she forgot to drop. Anyway— ]
[ The only thing that would make this unsafe is if Cellar decides to take the information and use it against her. Melissa doesn't want to believe that's a possibility. She likes to think Cellar's a better person than that, and nothing she's seen in the months they've known each other has indicated otherwise. ]
The whole flight crew, our coach, and one of the girls on the team died in the crash. There were eighteen of us left. Our assistant coach was still alive but one of his legs was totally crushed and we had to cut it off. When nobody came for us after a few days, we walked to a lake, and when we were at the lake we found a cabin. But it had been abandoned for, like, years and years. We stayed there. Some of the girls tried to go for help but Van got really hurt and almost died so they came back. And then our right back tried going alone, and she did die.
[ Mel speaks in an almost monotonous way, reciting events like they happened to someone else and she didn't live through them. Like if she just says it steady enough, it can't hurt her. ]
Jackie slept outside one night. It shouldn't have been anything because—because we'd all slept outside the night before that and it was fine, but that night it snowed, and she never woke up. Shauna found her the next morning. [ She looks at Cellar, willing her to understand. ] Jackie died, Cellar. She was supposed to graduate and go to college and instead she fucking froze to death all alone while we were all asleep.
[ She listens. Cellar remembers some details dropped here and there, on the network, during conversations, but never with this amount of detail, this amount of horror. There have been missions where Cellar thought she was on her own, thought it would be the end, terrified of dying alone, even knowing Raíz would bring her back if she ever did. A scenario where you have to survive because there's no other choice, not knowing if it will all be for nothing—
—having people die in a crash, having a friend die when you were right there. It's just as horrifying as everything else. And now Jackie's here, alive, and that must have fucked with their heads so bad. She imagines they were relieved, that they felt grateful. Guilty. Horrible. ]
... Oh, Mel.
[ She steps forward, wraps one arm around Melissa, then the other, for a quiet hug. A presence, warmth, someone for the other girl to lean into and hide away from the ghost of a girl who lives again. ]
[ It's awful, because this is what Melissa wanted, for Cellar to just hold her for a while. For Mel to press her face into her shirt and breathe her in. She holds on even though the story's not over, arms wrapped around Cellar's waist. It's what she says next that might be the thing that ends this forever, so she's gonna keep holding on as long as she can. ]
The ground was so frozen we couldn't even bury her. And Nat was going out hunting every day but there was just nothing out there once the snow came. All the animals were hibernating or something. We were eating bugs. And then we started, um, boiling belts... leather stuff... to eat that. We were like, going crazy, like hallucinating and stuff. [ She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. This is it. ] We tried to cremate Jackie and it didn't burn her up, it just... cooked her. And we couldn't stop ourselves. But we were starving again a few weeks later, so we all agreed that we'd draw cards and whoever picked the queen would be the next one to feed us. Okay? It was... fair. It wasn't like we forced anyone. We all agreed because we didn't have another choice.
[ She draws back from Cellar so she can see the look on her face. She needs to see it, to know the truth of what she feels, even if it's just disgust, even if she never wants to talk to Melissa again after this. ]
[ Sometimes, you hear or see something so horrible your brain just can't — connect. Cellar has fought monsters, has watched the absolute worst of what her fellow agents can do with their powers, has defended herself and been attacked, has retaliated and wished harm on others. She's thought she was going to die, has been fighting off thoughts that she might succumb to the wolves, or that she might have to wake up and find out that they got one of her closest friends. What she hasn't imagined is a scenario where the wilderness would be a prison, where your friends would become food, where death would be a question of fairness.
When they face each other, all that turmoil swirls under the surface, but ultimately she can't pick out what's underneath. What to feel. If there's anything that deserves judgment, or if pity would be even worse than that. ]
I'm really sorry, I — I had no idea.
Have you talked to somebody? Someone who can help you process?
[ Melissa shakes her head, bewildered. Talk to someone? Hardly anybody even knows about this. Just the few people they can trust, like Harry, and the ones who've seen it by accident... like Ren. ]
Do you hate me? [ Maybe a part of her is hoping Cellar says yes. That what she's done is horrific and unforgivable and that Cellar will never be able to look at her the same way again, because it will force her to go back to the team while they close themselves off from the rest of the game. She thinks, deep down, they all want that. That excuse to wrap themselves up in it even tighter, to fall back into us vs them and not have to apologize for it. ]
[ Brows knitted, heart racing, Cellar lowers her gaze. She knows her answer, it's ready to be spoken into the world. There's just so much else she wants to say, so many feelings that can't be weaved into words that'd be good enough. Comforting enough. Saying it's okay is a lie when she'd be saying it to someone who is so thoroughly broken, surrounded by other broken people. Glass can't mend itself. Maybe the best Cellar can do is handle the pieces and hope they don't cut. ]
I don't hate you, Melissa. I think you've been through the unimaginable and you're hurt. Hate isn't going to help anyone now — for someone else, or yourself. I hope you know that.
[ Doesn't Cellar get that? She's pulling herself apart trying to make everyone happy in a situation where that's impossible. It's why she texted Buffy, it's why she doesn't want Misty or Shauna or Lottie to know she did it. ]
[ So many people have made or been driven to make mistakes, and their guilt turns into self-hatred. Melissa is so young, she's scared, she wants things to be okay. Cellar doesn't want remorse to be her self-inflicted poison. ]
Good. [ She touches her hair again, searches her features, then pulls her in for one more hug. Briefer, this time. ]
[ It's better than she expected, worse than she hoped. Melissa returns the hug, wondering why she ever thought this conversation would leave her with more answers than she had yesterday. ]
You can ask me questions, if you want to. [ She's still not sure what Ren might have said to Cellar, what other things Cellar might be thinking. ]
[ That was a lot of trauma to revisit, and - truth be told, Cellar was left pretty speechless. She needs to process the information, and now she has one more promise to keep. Then there's a change in posture, going through the faces of the girls she's met, landing on the last one: ]
[ If this conversation had happened even a few months ago, that would be a different story. Only good thing that happened in July, probably, besides meeting Cellar as herself—she didn't have to lie to Jackie anymore. ]
[ It's horrible, but it's still better than the alternative. Having to carry that secret would be another kind of poison Melissa would be constantly staving off. ]
I'm not going to tell anyone. I promise. Can you promise me something in return?
[ If this was another time, she would have said yes without even thinking. She would have been happy to. But she has no idea what Cellar's about to ask her to do, or who it might impact. ]
It doesn't have to be the whole time, I — it's not like I expect to be right about everything. But when I ask you to, can you trust me? Even if it's just once?
[ She really doesn't want a repeat of last time. Ren accusing them, them turning on someone that might hurt Cellar as collateral. All she wanted was people to believe her about Danny. ]
[ She really doesn't. She kind of already didn't know what was going on with them before this, but things were simpler and it was fun so that was fine with her. This fucking game has made everything so complicated and weird. She hates it. ]
I just... don't want you to think I'm a bad person.
Melissa, [ She reaches to take both her hands. Doesn't use her nickname, looks her in the eye. ] I don't think you're a bad person. Okay? Trust me, I've — I've lived with awful people for years. And they didn't do what they did to survive or to honor anyone.
[ Well — some did it to survive, given the nature of their missions. But a lot of them were also careless with their powers, and a concerning number were also sadistic. All anyone has to do is meet Saber to understand what she means. ]
[ She exhales slowly, and after a moment a little bit of the tension ebbs away from her. It can't all go, not while they're still in the game, but for right now this is not nothing. She still believes there's a world where she she can get out and move past what happened, where someone else's belief in her is enough. ]
Okay, [ she breathes. ] Thank you. That's all I need.
[ She nods, gives Melissa one more hug, stays with her and comforts her for as long as she needs. Then she lets them part ways, each back to her found family. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It's okay.
[ And then she wonders — if one of them did it, if one of them killed Peony and took her hair, did she or they feel like that's what they were doing? Instead of monsters thirsting for bloodshed, there was a part that still clung to their humanity, that reached in and gave Peony what dignity they could?
Maybe that's why she was just half-buried. They couldn't go on. Wouldn't go on. ]
no subject
Yes, we pinned pieces of her hair onto Shauna's robe. [ Slowly, with her other hand, she reaches up to wipe away the tears that are welling up and spilling over. ] But it was my fault she died, okay? Shauna didn't kill her and take her hair. It wasn't like Ren said.
no subject
Mel…
[ Reaching, brushing her thumb on Mel's cheek, underlying the guilt, she sees a current of fear, unknown waters coursing underground. ]
Why would you say it was your fault?
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[ Her chest hitches once, twice, and she swallows hard, getting herself back under control. ]
Do you want to know the rest? [ Everything. Because she can't tell Cellar about Mari without explaining why. ]
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Not here. We'll go near the woods.
[ Once they get to the tree line, Cellar looks around one more time, then runs her hand through a strand of Melissa's hair like it's a habit she forgot to drop. Anyway— ]
Tell me. But only if you still feel safe sharing.
cw just sooo many ppl dying (but not graphic!)
The whole flight crew, our coach, and one of the girls on the team died in the crash. There were eighteen of us left. Our assistant coach was still alive but one of his legs was totally crushed and we had to cut it off. When nobody came for us after a few days, we walked to a lake, and when we were at the lake we found a cabin. But it had been abandoned for, like, years and years. We stayed there. Some of the girls tried to go for help but Van got really hurt and almost died so they came back. And then our right back tried going alone, and she did die.
[ Mel speaks in an almost monotonous way, reciting events like they happened to someone else and she didn't live through them. Like if she just says it steady enough, it can't hurt her. ]
Jackie slept outside one night. It shouldn't have been anything because—because we'd all slept outside the night before that and it was fine, but that night it snowed, and she never woke up. Shauna found her the next morning. [ She looks at Cellar, willing her to understand. ] Jackie died, Cellar. She was supposed to graduate and go to college and instead she fucking froze to death all alone while we were all asleep.
no subject
—having people die in a crash, having a friend die when you were right there. It's just as horrifying as everything else. And now Jackie's here, alive, and that must have fucked with their heads so bad. She imagines they were relieved, that they felt grateful. Guilty. Horrible. ]
... Oh, Mel.
[ She steps forward, wraps one arm around Melissa, then the other, for a quiet hug. A presence, warmth, someone for the other girl to lean into and hide away from the ghost of a girl who lives again. ]
I'm so sorry. That's such a huge weight to carry.
and now cw cannibalism 🙃
The ground was so frozen we couldn't even bury her. And Nat was going out hunting every day but there was just nothing out there once the snow came. All the animals were hibernating or something. We were eating bugs. And then we started, um, boiling belts... leather stuff... to eat that. We were like, going crazy, like hallucinating and stuff. [ She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. This is it. ] We tried to cremate Jackie and it didn't burn her up, it just... cooked her. And we couldn't stop ourselves. But we were starving again a few weeks later, so we all agreed that we'd draw cards and whoever picked the queen would be the next one to feed us. Okay? It was... fair. It wasn't like we forced anyone. We all agreed because we didn't have another choice.
[ She draws back from Cellar so she can see the look on her face. She needs to see it, to know the truth of what she feels, even if it's just disgust, even if she never wants to talk to Melissa again after this. ]
😭
When they face each other, all that turmoil swirls under the surface, but ultimately she can't pick out what's underneath. What to feel. If there's anything that deserves judgment, or if pity would be even worse than that. ]
I'm really sorry, I — I had no idea.
Have you talked to somebody? Someone who can help you process?
[ Therapists, anything. ]
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Do you hate me? [ Maybe a part of her is hoping Cellar says yes. That what she's done is horrific and unforgivable and that Cellar will never be able to look at her the same way again, because it will force her to go back to the team while they close themselves off from the rest of the game. She thinks, deep down, they all want that. That excuse to wrap themselves up in it even tighter, to fall back into us vs them and not have to apologize for it. ]
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I don't hate you, Melissa. I think you've been through the unimaginable and you're hurt. Hate isn't going to help anyone now — for someone else, or yourself. I hope you know that.
no subject
[ Doesn't Cellar get that? She's pulling herself apart trying to make everyone happy in a situation where that's impossible. It's why she texted Buffy, it's why she doesn't want Misty or Shauna or Lottie to know she did it. ]
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Good. [ She touches her hair again, searches her features, then pulls her in for one more hug. Briefer, this time. ]
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You can ask me questions, if you want to. [ She's still not sure what Ren might have said to Cellar, what other things Cellar might be thinking. ]
no subject
[ That was a lot of trauma to revisit, and - truth be told, Cellar was left pretty speechless. She needs to process the information, and now she has one more promise to keep. Then there's a change in posture, going through the faces of the girls she's met, landing on the last one: ]
Just— does Jackie now?
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[ If this conversation had happened even a few months ago, that would be a different story. Only good thing that happened in July, probably, besides meeting Cellar as herself—she didn't have to lie to Jackie anymore. ]
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[ It's horrible, but it's still better than the alternative. Having to carry that secret would be another kind of poison Melissa would be constantly staving off. ]
I'm not going to tell anyone. I promise. Can you promise me something in return?
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[ If this was another time, she would have said yes without even thinking. She would have been happy to. But she has no idea what Cellar's about to ask her to do, or who it might impact. ]
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It doesn't have to be the whole time, I — it's not like I expect to be right about everything. But when I ask you to, can you trust me? Even if it's just once?
[ Please, believe me. ]
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[ She sighs softly. ] But if you want to hear me say it, then yeah, I promise.
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[ She really doesn't want a repeat of last time. Ren accusing them, them turning on someone that might hurt Cellar as collateral. All she wanted was people to believe her about Danny. ]
Sorry. Thank you.
What can I do?
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[ She really doesn't. She kind of already didn't know what was going on with them before this, but things were simpler and it was fun so that was fine with her. This fucking game has made everything so complicated and weird. She hates it. ]
I just... don't want you to think I'm a bad person.
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[ Well — some did it to survive, given the nature of their missions. But a lot of them were also careless with their powers, and a concerning number were also sadistic. All anyone has to do is meet Saber to understand what she means. ]
no subject
Okay, [ she breathes. ] Thank you. That's all I need.
🎀😭