Oh, gosh, it's really fun. There's always something to do, people goofing around between classes, lots to explore on the grounds...
[ Hannah loved it. Sometimes she wonders what it's like if you're living on campus full time, and sometimes she wishes she knew firsthand, but even as a commuter student, it was amazing. She had fun and made friends and was able to move beyond the baggage of being that girl in high school. With her confidence back, she felt like every part of life was easier. ]
I'm still in touch with people from undergrad. Sure, everyone has to take certain kinds of classes, but sooner or later, you're with people who are there because they want to be, so it's easier to make friendships that last for longer. You'll have so much fun.
[ That all sounds like a dream. Especially comparing it with the freezing months spent living in huts that are looming ahead of them right now. People who are having fun, studying what interests them, who want to be there and want to be her friend. ]
I can't fucking wait. Seriously. [ Huh. ] Was it hard being in college with a kid? Like, did you date or anything?
[ Hannah hasn't ever explicitly told her that she didn't stay with her kid's dad, but Melissa figures it must be the case. Edwin was her boyfriend but they wouldn't have met til grad school, right? A tiny part of Melissa acknowledges that maybe she's just making things up about somebody she doesn't really know and deciding they're true. She's good at doing that. ]
[ There were also annoying assignments, a lot of reading, tough exams, less than exciting teachers... but high school had that sometimes too. ]
Mm, it wasn't that much harder than taking night classes to finish high school. [ It helped that sleeping through the night slowly became a thing again. ]
And yeah, kind of. A little bit. There aren't exactly a lot of college kids willing to seriously date someone who has a toddler. [ She's almost sheepish about it. She shouldn't even have bothered, really. Nothing went past more than a date or two anyway. ] You'll have a better time with that than I did, for sure.
[ It's not a fair judgment to make, but Melissa also has no clue about what having a kid is really like. She thinks if Shauna's baby had lived she would have helped take care of him. Not like a stepparent but, well... kind of like that, if Shauna let her.
At Hannah's last statement, she shrugs her good shoulder, dipping her chin with a self-conscious laugh. ]
[ No, see, the so-called real world can be brutal (in different ways than life out here, that is), and teenagers are going through so many changes to begin with, that paying them honest compliments is necessary. Especially after what Hannah saw go on between Melissa and Shauna. ]
You wanna know a secret? It's awkward for everybody, but it's easier to get past that when you meet in intramurals or clubs or classes.
[ Because it's worked out sooo well for her thus far, you know. But that's always been the goal—not, like, professionally or anything, just for the fun of it, but she's never been able to see herself going to college without playing. It would just be the most natural thing, and open her up to so much more socially. ]
I know dating is like, hard for everyone. But small towns are shitty. You know? Nobody cares here because they have other things to worry about all the time, but it wasn't like that before we crashed. So I just... never talked to anybody. [ Shauna was her first girlfriend! How fucked up is that! ] Like, some of that shit Shauna said— [ Well, she doesn't want to say "it's true" but, isn't it? Kind of? ]
[ Ah, yeah, the confirmation bias inherent to small-town life. A hardly changing community with generations' worth of history and dynamics. It's not hard to imagine how that can affect a person. But still-- ]
You said it yourself, though. You're from a small town. You didn't have the chance to meet more people.
[ Hannah glances in the direction of the camp, mostly just to remind herself she still knows where they are and how they'll get back. ]
You're not the first small town girl who'll be going into the big, wide world in college. What Shauna said isn't true. You'll see, one day.
[ A slow exhale. When it's put that way, it sounds much better. Normal, even? Like other people have been where she is, and that's fine. Wow, it turns out having someone around whose frontal lobe has finished developing makes a huge difference when it comes to this kind of thing. ]
Thanks. That's... actually super helpful. [ She leans back a little on her good arm, getting comfier. ]
[ It's not something Hannah talks about much. She feels more vulnerable right now than when Shauna walked her into the camp at knifepoint. She should leave it at just the one word answer, but-- well, it's not unlikely that she'll die here, and this might help Melissa out, so why not? Someone should know. Someone who's still alive, at least. ]
Nobody at my school knew about my life. Every new friendship started with a blank slate. I wasn't "Hannah, the idiot who got knocked up." I was just Hannah, a bio major who had a kid and was working hard to do right by Alex and by me. It was such a relief, to just be able to live my life without all that judgment. Things were hard enough already. It's not like everything magically turned perfect and went smoothly all the time, but it was one less thing to worry about, and that made a huge difference.
[ Plus, people liked seeing pictures of Alex and didn't act awkward about how young Hannah was. That was nice too.
She smiles at Melissa. ]
You'll be too busy having fun or being frustrated with a class to feel awkward for too long, and before you know it, you'll meet people you'll be close with forever.
[ Melissa doesn't want to say this out loud, but the way Hannah is describing it does sound kinda magical, in a way. Living life without judgment, having less to worry about... In a way, the wilderness has been like that for a lot of them. Survival is hard, but there is something to be said for being able to kiss your girlfriend and not worry about getting the shit beaten out of you for it.
Nice to know that if they ever get out of here, there's always college waiting. ]
Did you always wanna have kids? [ Like, maybe not in high school, but! At some point! ]
[ That's true. She'd just been unlucky. Unfortunately, bad luck looks like bad planning when you're known as a nerd with ambitions, and plenty of people are happy to take the chance to be unkind.
Nostalgia is definitely coloring Hannah's retelling of her college days. Nostalgia and a probable-end-of-life impulse to see the positives in her past. Melissa will have bad times in college too. Hannah sure did. But when every day is focused on literal life-or-death survival, realistic details feel unimportant. ]
Yeah. Someday. With a partner, whether or not we were married. I like kids.
[ Her heart aches, her chest physically tensing, gut metaphorically twisting. She thinks she was so close to gaining a person in her little family unit. But-- ]
I think you'd be good with kids, even if you don't want to have any.
Yeah? They made us take care of bags of flour for home ec freshman year. It was so stupid.
[ And it's not like they cried or pooped or did anything real babies do, so the only thing that happened was they were sort of embarrassing to haul around to classes and practice. ... Oh. Suddenly Mel is realizing that maybe that was the point. ]
[ She grins, reaching up to pull her hat off so she can push some loose strands of hair out of her face, then replaces the hat. ] I hope my kids are into sports. Were you ever scared that your kid was going to be like... your total opposite?
[ Scared is maybe too strong a word, but like. What do you even do with that? ]
[ Things Hannah was afraid would happen when Alex came into the world: that they would be opposites and not get along, that they would both be isolated in an attempt by Hannah to protect their wellbeing in the face of judgmental and outright mean people in their community, that she would have a breakdown and be unable to care for her child, that she would do irreparable harm to Alex's sweet little brain and ruin her entire life, that she wouldn't be a good enough mom and end up making her daughter hate her, that she would lose all the support she'd been offered and the two of them would end up actually alone out there, that she would set a bad example, that she would make Alex feel like a mistake she regrets rather than an accident she would never take back. ]
Yeah. I think everyone fears that, in some way. After a while, though, you just fall completely in love with them. Like, I'm just so excited to see what she decides she wants to do. Sports, drama, art, debate-- she could be into the same things as me, or she could lead me into a new sphere.
[ Sorry, Melissa. Hannah just really, really loves her daughter. ]
Um-- yeah. You'll get to know these little people, and you'll all have so much fun.
Um--
Hey, have you tried gripping things with your right hand? You can do that on and off and keep your lower arm strong while you rest your shoulder.
[ Mel can't tell if asking Hannah these questions makes it better or worse. Like, remembering these things about her kid, does it make Hannah happy at all, determined to get home, or is it just depressing and makes her hate them for trapping her here? She doesn't want Hannah to hate them, or at least not to hate her. She wants Hannah to keep fighting to stay alive because maybe she can help them get out of here.
So maybe Melissa will just have to poke at the kid thing every so often and remind Hannah that there's someone out there waiting for her. Besides, she's not bullshitting when she asks this stuff, she's really curious. But she'll drop it for now. ]
Uh—not really... I've been moving my fingers. [ Mostly just to remind herself that she still can. She closes her right hand into a loose fist, experimenting. It doesn't hurt. ]
[ It does, in fact, remind Hannah why she's done all she's done to stay alive. She will get back home, or she will die trying. It's just that there comes a point when poking the bruise becomes too painful and she has to make it stop. At least when she's acting like a bootleg physical therapist, there's real, more immediate progress to be made. ]
[ She's honestly afraid to. Scared that once she starts moving her arm again, it'll hurt and never really stop hurting, just become some chronic problem for her out here that never goes away. With winter looming, the thought has been giving her a lot of anxiety. But Melissa does what Hannah says, tightening her fist with a frown.
It doesn't hurt, thank god. And she can do it easy, so there must not be any nerve damage, either. Melissa releases a breath in a rush. ]
Okay. That's... not bad. [ She's not using the muscles that actually got hit yet, which is what's really going to suck, but it's making her feel a little less freaked out anyway. ]
I was mostly worried the arrow had got you in the lung. [ Nobody could've helped her there. ] This is good. I'll help you stretch your arm out later. Just a little.
[ It's just so good to have something go right. ]
I think I would've passed out if I'd been the one who got shot by a crossbow.
[ Hannah's comment actually makes her laugh. Like she thinks Mel was so stoic about getting shot when that was not how it went down at all. By morning she'd just been way too exhausted to cry anymore. ]
Oh my god. I think I did a couple times. Then Mari would start pulling on it again and I'd wake up screaming. [ God, it was... a really, really long night. ] Thank god Gen was there and then you showed up with an actual first aid kit. [ It would have been pretty bad, otherwise. ]
[ The least she could do after watching her boyfriend's murder and being chased through the woods by almost a dozen screaming teenagers with torches? Oh, Hannah. Melissa sputters a laugh. ]
Actually you would have been well within your rights to let me bleed out, but I'm glad you didn't do that. And, yeah, we did awesome today. Everyone will be happy.
[ Maybe Shauna will even chill out for the evening, instead of sitting and giving them that cagey look she wears almost constantly now. Mel holds up her other hand for a high five. ]
[ No, see, you guys are all just kids, and you've been through hell, and Hannah gets that, in her own way, so really, she can't blame anyone for what happened to Edwin, except herself for not listening to him. ]
Do you want to head back now? The sun's starting to get low.
[ They're not far enough from camp that they can't spare another hour out here, but Hannah would rather rejoin the group when there's enough light to see if anyone's holding a weapon with imminent murderous intent. ]
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[ Hannah loved it. Sometimes she wonders what it's like if you're living on campus full time, and sometimes she wishes she knew firsthand, but even as a commuter student, it was amazing. She had fun and made friends and was able to move beyond the baggage of being that girl in high school. With her confidence back, she felt like every part of life was easier. ]
I'm still in touch with people from undergrad. Sure, everyone has to take certain kinds of classes, but sooner or later, you're with people who are there because they want to be, so it's easier to make friendships that last for longer. You'll have so much fun.
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I can't fucking wait. Seriously. [ Huh. ] Was it hard being in college with a kid? Like, did you date or anything?
[ Hannah hasn't ever explicitly told her that she didn't stay with her kid's dad, but Melissa figures it must be the case. Edwin was her boyfriend but they wouldn't have met til grad school, right? A tiny part of Melissa acknowledges that maybe she's just making things up about somebody she doesn't really know and deciding they're true. She's good at doing that. ]
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Mm, it wasn't that much harder than taking night classes to finish high school. [ It helped that sleeping through the night slowly became a thing again. ]
And yeah, kind of. A little bit. There aren't exactly a lot of college kids willing to seriously date someone who has a toddler. [ She's almost sheepish about it. She shouldn't even have bothered, really. Nothing went past more than a date or two anyway. ] You'll have a better time with that than I did, for sure.
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[ It's not a fair judgment to make, but Melissa also has no clue about what having a kid is really like. She thinks if Shauna's baby had lived she would have helped take care of him. Not like a stepparent but, well... kind of like that, if Shauna let her.
At Hannah's last statement, she shrugs her good shoulder, dipping her chin with a self-conscious laugh. ]
I don't know. Maybe. I'm not great at that stuff.
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[ Ah, teenage insecurity. Hannah does not miss that. ]
I'm serious, Mel. All you have to do is be yourself. I've only known you for a few weeks, and I can see how great a person you are.
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I just mean I'm really bad at talking to girls I like. [ Really. ] I get better after that part's over.
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You wanna know a secret? It's awkward for everybody, but it's easier to get past that when you meet in intramurals or clubs or classes.
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[ Because it's worked out sooo well for her thus far, you know. But that's always been the goal—not, like, professionally or anything, just for the fun of it, but she's never been able to see herself going to college without playing. It would just be the most natural thing, and open her up to so much more socially. ]
I know dating is like, hard for everyone. But small towns are shitty. You know? Nobody cares here because they have other things to worry about all the time, but it wasn't like that before we crashed. So I just... never talked to anybody. [ Shauna was her first girlfriend! How fucked up is that! ] Like, some of that shit Shauna said— [ Well, she doesn't want to say "it's true" but, isn't it? Kind of? ]
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You said it yourself, though. You're from a small town. You didn't have the chance to meet more people.
[ Hannah glances in the direction of the camp, mostly just to remind herself she still knows where they are and how they'll get back. ]
You're not the first small town girl who'll be going into the big, wide world in college. What Shauna said isn't true. You'll see, one day.
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Thanks. That's... actually super helpful. [ She leans back a little on her good arm, getting comfier. ]
Was it like that for you?
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[ It's not something Hannah talks about much. She feels more vulnerable right now than when Shauna walked her into the camp at knifepoint. She should leave it at just the one word answer, but-- well, it's not unlikely that she'll die here, and this might help Melissa out, so why not? Someone should know. Someone who's still alive, at least. ]
Nobody at my school knew about my life. Every new friendship started with a blank slate. I wasn't "Hannah, the idiot who got knocked up." I was just Hannah, a bio major who had a kid and was working hard to do right by Alex and by me. It was such a relief, to just be able to live my life without all that judgment. Things were hard enough already. It's not like everything magically turned perfect and went smoothly all the time, but it was one less thing to worry about, and that made a huge difference.
[ Plus, people liked seeing pictures of Alex and didn't act awkward about how young Hannah was. That was nice too.
She smiles at Melissa. ]
You'll be too busy having fun or being frustrated with a class to feel awkward for too long, and before you know it, you'll meet people you'll be close with forever.
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[ Melissa doesn't want to say this out loud, but the way Hannah is describing it does sound kinda magical, in a way. Living life without judgment, having less to worry about... In a way, the wilderness has been like that for a lot of them. Survival is hard, but there is something to be said for being able to kiss your girlfriend and not worry about getting the shit beaten out of you for it.
Nice to know that if they ever get out of here, there's always college waiting. ]
Did you always wanna have kids? [ Like, maybe not in high school, but! At some point! ]
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Nostalgia is definitely coloring Hannah's retelling of her college days. Nostalgia and a probable-end-of-life impulse to see the positives in her past. Melissa will have bad times in college too. Hannah sure did. But when every day is focused on literal life-or-death survival, realistic details feel unimportant. ]
Yeah. Someday. With a partner, whether or not we were married. I like kids.
[ Her heart aches, her chest physically tensing, gut metaphorically twisting. She thinks she was so close to gaining a person in her little family unit. But-- ]
I think you'd be good with kids, even if you don't want to have any.
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[ And it's not like they cried or pooped or did anything real babies do, so the only thing that happened was they were sort of embarrassing to haul around to classes and practice. ... Oh. Suddenly Mel is realizing that maybe that was the point. ]
But I'd like to have kids someday.
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[ Even just five pounds gets to be a lot after a while. ]
I can totally see you running around playing tag with a few little kids. They'll adore you.
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[ She grins, reaching up to pull her hat off so she can push some loose strands of hair out of her face, then replaces the hat. ] I hope my kids are into sports. Were you ever scared that your kid was going to be like... your total opposite?
[ Scared is maybe too strong a word, but like. What do you even do with that? ]
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Yeah. I think everyone fears that, in some way. After a while, though, you just fall completely in love with them. Like, I'm just so excited to see what she decides she wants to do. Sports, drama, art, debate-- she could be into the same things as me, or she could lead me into a new sphere.
[ Sorry, Melissa. Hannah just really, really loves her daughter. ]
Um-- yeah. You'll get to know these little people, and you'll all have so much fun.
Um--
Hey, have you tried gripping things with your right hand? You can do that on and off and keep your lower arm strong while you rest your shoulder.
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So maybe Melissa will just have to poke at the kid thing every so often and remind Hannah that there's someone out there waiting for her. Besides, she's not bullshitting when she asks this stuff, she's really curious. But she'll drop it for now. ]
Uh—not really... I've been moving my fingers. [ Mostly just to remind herself that she still can. She closes her right hand into a loose fist, experimenting. It doesn't hurt. ]
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Tighten it a little and see how it feels.
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It doesn't hurt, thank god. And she can do it easy, so there must not be any nerve damage, either. Melissa releases a breath in a rush. ]
Okay. That's... not bad. [ She's not using the muscles that actually got hit yet, which is what's really going to suck, but it's making her feel a little less freaked out anyway. ]
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[ It's just so good to have something go right. ]
I think I would've passed out if I'd been the one who got shot by a crossbow.
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[ Hannah's comment actually makes her laugh. Like she thinks Mel was so stoic about getting shot when that was not how it went down at all. By morning she'd just been way too exhausted to cry anymore. ]
Oh my god. I think I did a couple times. Then Mari would start pulling on it again and I'd wake up screaming. [ God, it was... a really, really long night. ] Thank god Gen was there and then you showed up with an actual first aid kit. [ It would have been pretty bad, otherwise. ]
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It was the least I could do. And so is doing PT with you.
[ Especially since she's playing along with Shauna, acting as an enforcer until it's safe to go off on her own and find help. ]
We got a pretty good haul today. Things aren't looking too bad.
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Actually you would have been well within your rights to let me bleed out, but I'm glad you didn't do that. And, yeah, we did awesome today. Everyone will be happy.
[ Maybe Shauna will even chill out for the evening, instead of sitting and giving them that cagey look she wears almost constantly now. Mel holds up her other hand for a high five. ]
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Do you want to head back now? The sun's starting to get low.
[ They're not far enough from camp that they can't spare another hour out here, but Hannah would rather rejoin the group when there's enough light to see if anyone's holding a weapon with imminent murderous intent. ]
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