[ Possibly, Shauna thinks that Melissa is too scared to plot betrayal and that Hannah is too busy trying to prove her loyalty to also plot betrayal. Or, possibly Shauna doesn't give a single shit and would dare them to try anything at all. Whatever the reason, Hannah and Melissa are foraging buddies today.
Hannah keeps glancing at Melissa, nervous that maybe the wound from Kodi's crossbow, though mostly healed, is causing her more pain than she lets on around the others. She wouldn't blame Melissa for that. Showing weakness seems unwise. ]
You're not nothing, you know. [ Which is a whole other kind of wound, and one that's much harder to heal from. ] It was really brave of you to stand up to Shauna, even if it didn't feel like it.
[ It's weird having an adult around camp again. Coach Scott had abandoned them mentally long before he actually walked away from the cabin, so he doesn't count. Hannah isn't that much older than the girls—a decade, if that—but she carries a different kind of energy. It's like... calming, almost. Or caring. Maybe that's the word.
Anyway, maybe she should've expected Hannah to bring up the fight with Shauna, but it still catches her off guard because—nobody else in camp would say it like that. People have: That was so fucked up—Shauna's such a psycho, not You're not nothing. Not It was brave. Melissa's face cycles through embarrassment, anger, and hurt until it finally settles on something harder. Her lips press together in a thin, bloodless line. ]
Fuck Shauna. She's jealous. [ You're so jealous of me you can barely breathe, Jackie'd said a long, long year ago. It's never left Melissa's head. ] I'm not afraid of her.
[ First, she feels like she got punched in the gut. "I'm not scared," Alex said about the first thunderstorm she was aware of and had words for. She was wide-eyed and trembling and holding on tight, growing fast, vocabulary expanding exponentially. Hannah had been barely twenty, and more than anything, she was scared of being anything but safe and secure for her little girl. She'd managed, with a lot of help.
There is no help for her out here. She is not these teenagers' mother, but wanting to protect was first a habit and now an intrinsic, instinctive response in her. She has to consciously tell herself no and remember what it was like to be seventeen and terrified and surrounded by a handful of friends and a handful of mean kids in a sea of acquaintances.
So, first, the ache of wanting to create a safe place for a kid, and second, the halting, careful thoughts that may actually be helpful in this context. ]
You wouldn't have spoken up if you were.
[ Somewhat true. Partly true. There's just so much Hannah doesn't know about the team. Their plane went down, what, a year ago? She's only been here a week. Maybe. Time is starting to fall out of focus. ]
[ There are some mushrooms half-hidden behind a tree root. Melissa's not totally sure whether they're edible or some of the trippy ones Lottie was passing out like candy before she discovered the cave, but she picks them up anyway and drops them into her sack. ]
Because she gets off on making everyone else miserable?
[ She's never thought of herself as a vindictive person before, but every time Mel looks at the frayed hole in the sleeve of her jacket where Shauna fucking shot at her, she feels everything all over again. It's like a kick to the chest and it just... keeps happening.
Maybe all breakups feel this shitty, she doesn't know. This is her first.
Hannah doesn't know all of that, though. Melissa is realizing that Hannah doesn't really know anything about the situation, other than the most basic facts. It must really suck coming in blind like that, trying to play catch up, just hoping you don't say the wrong thing or piss off the wrong person. Melissa sighs, turning to look at Hannah, and this time she's being genuine when she speaks. ]
Look, Shauna's been trying to take over as leader all summer. She finally did it the same day you guys found us. There's no way she's going to just... give all that up and walk back to civilization.
[ There's other stuff, too. She pictures the round white stone over top of the baby's grave. ]
[ Foraging becomes, temporarily, a secondary objective. Learning more about the group and their dynamics is also part of surviving, and possibly a more important one for her. One mistake could get her killed quicker than starvation would.
The night they were supposed to leave told Hannah a lot about the group, like who held sway. It told her Shauna has something here that she can't have back home, and that Lottie fears whatever is waiting for her there. She's not sure about Tai's motivations, but they're at odds with Van's, and Van has pull with Tai. God, there's only thirteen kids here, but their dynamics are so complex.
Hannah isn't as well-read in social power structures and human psychology as she could be, but it seems likely that Shauna feels like she needs the control she has here. She has proven she'll be violent to keep it. It would be fascinating if it weren't so dangerous. ]
Three of you want to stay, ten of you want to leave. [ Hannah doesn't count herself among them. She's not part of the equation. ] But it's not just about the numbers, is it.
[ And then, of course-- ]
And Kodi's dead now anyway. [ my bad
Hannah sighs. ]
I should've taken a class on navigating with instruments. At least I remember it might not be too late for cranberries.
Hannah, um... [ Melissa turns and leans back against the same tree, adjusting with a wince so there's no pressure against her right shoulder. ] I get why you did what you did. [ To Kodiak. To the escape plan. ] I don't think anyone judges you for it.
[ If Hannah had told Shauna the truth about who'd given her the knife, it's very likely that neither Hannah or Natalie would still be alive right now. And for all Melissa knows, the rest of them would be tied up in the animal pen instead. ]
But there's no way anyone is going to hike out of here without a guide. [ Melissa tugs at the hem of her shirt, rubbing the fabric between her thumb and index finger as she speaks, an anxious habit. ] The first summer we were out here? A smaller group of us tried to go for rescue and Van almost died. Then our right fullback tried to go on her own and she did die.
[ After that, there was no more talk of separating. Things had become all-or-nothing, and the idea of the team, of the whole, had cemented into something much stronger than soccer or high school.
Hannah has seen it herself: the way Shauna, Tai, and Lottie had been totally outnumbered and the way the others had fallen back in line anyway, even while they hated doing it. The escape plan, with the guide, had been the only exception because it had been a sure thing. Now that's over. ]
Even if they, like, changed their minds and wanted to go, at this point it's safer for us here. [ "For now" sits on her tongue, unspoken. ]
[ It's safer for now, thinks Hannah, unaware that Melissa is thinking the same. Kodi may be dead (I may have killed Kodi), but there has to be some other way to get these kids home. She'll never forget the looks on their faces when they found out search efforts had been stopped only a few months after the crash. The world may have forgotten about them, but their families haven't. Hannah isn't some expert wilderness navigator the way Kodi was, but she is going to get them home somehow, even if it means she has to die. At least she knows Alex is safe back home, with grandpa and grandma. Hannah will fight tooth and nail to get back to her, but if the choice becomes her or the teenagers-- well, she has to choose them. They've suffered enough out here. ]
Right. No, I wouldn't leave either, not without a guide. [ If only she remembered the hike out here. If only she'd listened to Edwin. If only he were here to talk her through the waves of panic and despair.
If only, if only. ] Besides, we're not the only people who could be out here. I mean, if Edwin and I made this trek, other people might.
[ There's always hope. There has to be hope. ]
In the meantime, I'm with you guys. I'll keep doing my part to keep us fed and safe.
[ Even though it could mean the worst. Hannah winces at a sudden thought-- ]
Even if it means we find some of those cute little frogs and have to roast them for dinner.
[ Melissa laughs a little at that. She would definitely eat roasted frog, frog soup, even frog eggs. (Caviar?) ]
I mean, our food situation is way better than it was this time last year, so hopefully it won't come down to eating frogs. [ She doesn't seem to register that this might be a fucked up thing to say considering the circumstances Hannah's group walked in on. She's mostly just thinking about the animals, the goats and ducks. Plus, Gen keeps saying how great the hunting's been all summer.
After a pause, a little shyly, she adds, ] It's good that you're here. [ wait ] I mean—not like good, it's just cool having a new person to talk to.
[ Hannah chooses not to think about the implications about last winter, focusing instead on the fact that they've clearly been working to prevent that from happening again.
More important right now, though, is the fact that she has earned Melissa's trust. Maybe not fully, but enough that Melissa feels like she can share tidbits about the year before, the team's dynamics, and even something as simple as being told she's nice to have around. Hannah wonders about Melissa herself: what's her family like, do they know she's gay, do they support her? She's a good kid. She deserves a good home life. They all do.
She smiles back, comfortable and encouraging. ]
I bet I'd be better if I could find more food. [ There are some mushrooms just to her right. She bends to grab them. ] That means a lot. It sounds pretty dumb, but it's nice to know at least one person likes you enough to just talk.
[ It's getting colder. In the morning, the dewy grass of summer has been replaced with ice crystals, and everyone has started layering again. Unlike last winter, they have more animal pelts, though. And they have more food, so things aren't dire.
Except they kind of are, because the mood at camp has been absolutely rancid, even worse than things were last winter in the cabin. Last winter they were stuck there. This year they're being held captive by a fucking despot with a fishtail braid and a gun strapped constantly to her side.
Mel hasn't had a lot of chance to talk to Hannah lately because Shauna likes to have Hannah nearby so she can use her as a sort of errand girl/bodyguard. Melissa's not sure whether it's because Shauna doesn't trust Hannah or because she's trying to prove something to her, or maybe it's both.
Today she's got a big patchwork bag of dirty laundry slung over her good shoulder and sees Hannah miraculously alone, for once, so she stops a few feet away from her. ]
[ It's a painful ruse to maintain, but it's vital to Hannah's survival. She commits, following Shauna's orders, standing guard for her, acting as her enforcer when she uses intimidation to make the others comply.
It has to be this way because it will allow Hannah to help them in the long run. At least, that's what Hannah tells herself every day, every night. Being the adult in camp, her apparent devotion to Shauna's will lends Shauna more power, while Hannah quietly ponders what to do. How to get these kids and herself home.
It's been so long since she's been able to have a real conversation with any of the crash survivors that when Melissa asks for help with a chore, it takes all Hannah's strength not to immediately say yes. She looks around, checking to make sure she really is done with the tasks assigned to her (or done enough), then nods. ]
[ Melissa offers her the laundry bag without a word, and doesn't speak again until they've walked far enough to be out of earshot of any of the others. Not like she cares if Nat or Mari hear her, or see her with Hannah, but she doesn't want to draw attention from Shauna (worst case scenario) or Lottie or Tai. ]
How are you, um, doing?
[ Not great, probably. Kind of a stupid question to ask. She knows exactly what it feels like to be under Shauna's scrutiny the way Hannah is now. In fact, she still feels it sometimes. She'll catch Shauna looking at her out of the corner of her eye, but when she turns and looks back, Shauna's always looking away from her. ]
[ Guess what. Hannah is even more paranoid, walking another few yards before responding. ]
As okay as can be. [ Lying takes effort, and she's constantly on edge around Shauna, so yeah she's being honest. ] Taking it one day at a time. How are you? How's your shoulder?
[ Has she been able to do her exercises? Hannah is cautious with what she tells Melissa to work on, given she's not a doctor. All she can do is hope she's helping. ]
It's okay. [ Melissa rolls her right shoulder with a little wince, but at least she can move it now. ] Not a hundred percent. But enough.
[ Enough for her to defend herself if she has to, or pick up a weapon, or... you know. Whatever needs to be done.
As they approach the stream, Melissa sighs. She's not looking forward to sticking her hands in that water. It's going to be fucking freezing, but once everything ices over, they're going to miss being able to do laundry here. What she says next could be referring just to that, or to all of this. ]
[ All of it. The way her research trip got derailed. Her boyfriend killed. Kodiak dead by her own hand. Human flesh consumed because she has to survive this and get back home. And that's only what she's been through. These kids have been here for over a year. Hannah can't imagine the weight of the despair they bear.
She doesn't hesitate to plunge her hands in the frigid water and start to scrub fabric. The bite of it on her skin shifts her focus to the present. There's no point wallowing, and she has to be sharp so she can report back to Shauna when she and Melissa come back with the cleaner-than-before clothes. And yeah... this fucking sucks. ]
Almost less painful to just use snow, but running water is such a valuable resource.
[ That feels stupid to say. Of course Melissa knows that. They're out here by themselves, and they should make the most of it. God, Shauna's paranoia is contagious. ]
[ She submerges a dirt-brown pair of khakis that used to be Travis's, or maybe Coach's, not that it matters much anymore. The water is cold enough to make her hiss out a surprised breath as it hits her hands, but after a few seconds the shock settles into a more comfortable numbness. ]
Not good. [ Melissa sighs and stares down at the water. "Not good" kind of undersells it, huh? It feels more and more like all of them are trapped in their own private miseries. It's not that people are complaining, it's that everyone's gotten too quiet, looking inward instead.
At night, she and Gen whisper to each other about the stuff they miss from home, mostly. Neither of them have said anything like it out loud yet, but Melissa still remembers the conversation they had last winter, after Crystal went missing. It wouldn't be the worst thing...
Except this year they aren't starving. So when one of them finally does say it, it won't be because of that. ]
Everyone's afraid to talk, you know? [ God, just look at the way she and Hannah had to walk in silence until they were out of earshot. ]
[ Hannah knows. Nobody wants to oppose Shauna, who has Lottie's blessing and Taissa's support. And, at least in appearance, Hannah's loyalty. In trying to save her own life, Hannah has made herself someone to keep away from. It makes it easier for her to observe the kids and learn about their dynamics, but it's also terribly lonely.
At night she sometimes goes to Edwin's grave and sits there, silent as she tries to parse her thoughts and make them into words she wouldn't speak into the world even if she had them. It's too dangerous. She is the outsider. If she must be separate from them, she needs to be the one they risk sending out to find help.
(Mostly, all she comes up with is apology after apology. She hears her grandmother talk about the sin of pride and apologizes again, not to a god she isn't even sure is real, but to the man who saw beauty, not chaos, in her past.)
She scrubs at a splotch of mud in a pair of jeans. She's not afraid to say this, at least. ]
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a little autumn foraging
Hannah keeps glancing at Melissa, nervous that maybe the wound from Kodi's crossbow, though mostly healed, is causing her more pain than she lets on around the others. She wouldn't blame Melissa for that. Showing weakness seems unwise. ]
You're not nothing, you know. [ Which is a whole other kind of wound, and one that's much harder to heal from. ] It was really brave of you to stand up to Shauna, even if it didn't feel like it.
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Anyway, maybe she should've expected Hannah to bring up the fight with Shauna, but it still catches her off guard because—nobody else in camp would say it like that. People have: That was so fucked up—Shauna's such a psycho, not You're not nothing. Not It was brave. Melissa's face cycles through embarrassment, anger, and hurt until it finally settles on something harder. Her lips press together in a thin, bloodless line. ]
Fuck Shauna. She's jealous. [ You're so jealous of me you can barely breathe, Jackie'd said a long, long year ago. It's never left Melissa's head. ] I'm not afraid of her.
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There is no help for her out here. She is not these teenagers' mother, but wanting to protect was first a habit and now an intrinsic, instinctive response in her. She has to consciously tell herself no and remember what it was like to be seventeen and terrified and surrounded by a handful of friends and a handful of mean kids in a sea of acquaintances.
So, first, the ache of wanting to create a safe place for a kid, and second, the halting, careful thoughts that may actually be helpful in this context. ]
You wouldn't have spoken up if you were.
[ Somewhat true. Partly true. There's just so much Hannah doesn't know about the team. Their plane went down, what, a year ago? She's only been here a week. Maybe. Time is starting to fall out of focus. ]
Why do you think she wants to stay here?
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Because she gets off on making everyone else miserable?
[ She's never thought of herself as a vindictive person before, but every time Mel looks at the frayed hole in the sleeve of her jacket where Shauna fucking shot at her, she feels everything all over again. It's like a kick to the chest and it just... keeps happening.
Maybe all breakups feel this shitty, she doesn't know. This is her first.
Hannah doesn't know all of that, though. Melissa is realizing that Hannah doesn't really know anything about the situation, other than the most basic facts. It must really suck coming in blind like that, trying to play catch up, just hoping you don't say the wrong thing or piss off the wrong person. Melissa sighs, turning to look at Hannah, and this time she's being genuine when she speaks. ]
Look, Shauna's been trying to take over as leader all summer. She finally did it the same day you guys found us. There's no way she's going to just... give all that up and walk back to civilization.
[ There's other stuff, too. She pictures the round white stone over top of the baby's grave. ]
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The night they were supposed to leave told Hannah a lot about the group, like who held sway. It told her Shauna has something here that she can't have back home, and that Lottie fears whatever is waiting for her there. She's not sure about Tai's motivations, but they're at odds with Van's, and Van has pull with Tai. God, there's only thirteen kids here, but their dynamics are so complex.
Hannah isn't as well-read in social power structures and human psychology as she could be, but it seems likely that Shauna feels like she needs the control she has here. She has proven she'll be violent to keep it. It would be fascinating if it weren't so dangerous. ]
Three of you want to stay, ten of you want to leave. [ Hannah doesn't count herself among them. She's not part of the equation. ] But it's not just about the numbers, is it.
[ And then, of course-- ]
And Kodi's dead now anyway. [ my bad
Hannah sighs. ]
I should've taken a class on navigating with instruments. At least I remember it might not be too late for cranberries.
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[ If Hannah had told Shauna the truth about who'd given her the knife, it's very likely that neither Hannah or Natalie would still be alive right now. And for all Melissa knows, the rest of them would be tied up in the animal pen instead. ]
But there's no way anyone is going to hike out of here without a guide. [ Melissa tugs at the hem of her shirt, rubbing the fabric between her thumb and index finger as she speaks, an anxious habit. ] The first summer we were out here? A smaller group of us tried to go for rescue and Van almost died. Then our right fullback tried to go on her own and she did die.
[ After that, there was no more talk of separating. Things had become all-or-nothing, and the idea of the team, of the whole, had cemented into something much stronger than soccer or high school.
Hannah has seen it herself: the way Shauna, Tai, and Lottie had been totally outnumbered and the way the others had fallen back in line anyway, even while they hated doing it. The escape plan, with the guide, had been the only exception because it had been a sure thing. Now that's over. ]
Even if they, like, changed their minds and wanted to go, at this point it's safer for us here. [ "For now" sits on her tongue, unspoken. ]
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Right. No, I wouldn't leave either, not without a guide. [ If only she remembered the hike out here. If only she'd listened to Edwin. If only he were here to talk her through the waves of panic and despair.
If only, if only. ] Besides, we're not the only people who could be out here. I mean, if Edwin and I made this trek, other people might.
[ There's always hope. There has to be hope. ]
In the meantime, I'm with you guys. I'll keep doing my part to keep us fed and safe.
[ Even though it could mean the worst. Hannah winces at a sudden thought-- ]
Even if it means we find some of those cute little frogs and have to roast them for dinner.
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I mean, our food situation is way better than it was this time last year, so hopefully it won't come down to eating frogs. [ She doesn't seem to register that this might be a fucked up thing to say considering the circumstances Hannah's group walked in on. She's mostly just thinking about the animals, the goats and ducks. Plus, Gen keeps saying how great the hunting's been all summer.
After a pause, a little shyly, she adds, ] It's good that you're here. [ wait ] I mean—not like good, it's just cool having a new person to talk to.
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More important right now, though, is the fact that she has earned Melissa's trust. Maybe not fully, but enough that Melissa feels like she can share tidbits about the year before, the team's dynamics, and even something as simple as being told she's nice to have around. Hannah wonders about Melissa herself: what's her family like, do they know she's gay, do they support her? She's a good kid. She deserves a good home life. They all do.
She smiles back, comfortable and encouraging. ]
I bet I'd be better if I could find more food. [ There are some mushrooms just to her right. She bends to grab them. ] That means a lot. It sounds pretty dumb, but it's nice to know at least one person likes you enough to just talk.
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🎀?
nobody's plotting a coup here, don't worry about it
Except they kind of are, because the mood at camp has been absolutely rancid, even worse than things were last winter in the cabin. Last winter they were stuck there. This year they're being held captive by a fucking despot with a fishtail braid and a gun strapped constantly to her side.
Mel hasn't had a lot of chance to talk to Hannah lately because Shauna likes to have Hannah nearby so she can use her as a sort of errand girl/bodyguard. Melissa's not sure whether it's because Shauna doesn't trust Hannah or because she's trying to prove something to her, or maybe it's both.
Today she's got a big patchwork bag of dirty laundry slung over her good shoulder and sees Hannah miraculously alone, for once, so she stops a few feet away from her. ]
I have to go wash this stuff. Want to help?
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It has to be this way because it will allow Hannah to help them in the long run. At least, that's what Hannah tells herself every day, every night. Being the adult in camp, her apparent devotion to Shauna's will lends Shauna more power, while Hannah quietly ponders what to do. How to get these kids and herself home.
It's been so long since she's been able to have a real conversation with any of the crash survivors that when Melissa asks for help with a chore, it takes all Hannah's strength not to immediately say yes. She looks around, checking to make sure she really is done with the tasks assigned to her (or done enough), then nods. ]
Sure. I can help you carry that.
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How are you, um, doing?
[ Not great, probably. Kind of a stupid question to ask. She knows exactly what it feels like to be under Shauna's scrutiny the way Hannah is now. In fact, she still feels it sometimes. She'll catch Shauna looking at her out of the corner of her eye, but when she turns and looks back, Shauna's always looking away from her. ]
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As okay as can be. [ Lying takes effort, and she's constantly on edge around Shauna, so yeah she's being honest. ] Taking it one day at a time. How are you? How's your shoulder?
[ Has she been able to do her exercises? Hannah is cautious with what she tells Melissa to work on, given she's not a doctor. All she can do is hope she's helping. ]
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[ Enough for her to defend herself if she has to, or pick up a weapon, or... you know. Whatever needs to be done.
As they approach the stream, Melissa sighs. She's not looking forward to sticking her hands in that water. It's going to be fucking freezing, but once everything ices over, they're going to miss being able to do laundry here. What she says next could be referring just to that, or to all of this. ]
This sucks.
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[ All of it. The way her research trip got derailed. Her boyfriend killed. Kodiak dead by her own hand. Human flesh consumed because she has to survive this and get back home. And that's only what she's been through. These kids have been here for over a year. Hannah can't imagine the weight of the despair they bear.
She doesn't hesitate to plunge her hands in the frigid water and start to scrub fabric. The bite of it on her skin shifts her focus to the present. There's no point wallowing, and she has to be sharp so she can report back to Shauna when she and Melissa come back with the cleaner-than-before clothes. And yeah... this fucking sucks. ]
Almost less painful to just use snow, but running water is such a valuable resource.
[ That feels stupid to say. Of course Melissa knows that. They're out here by themselves, and they should make the most of it. God, Shauna's paranoia is contagious. ]
How's morale? Like... really.
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Not good. [ Melissa sighs and stares down at the water. "Not good" kind of undersells it, huh? It feels more and more like all of them are trapped in their own private miseries. It's not that people are complaining, it's that everyone's gotten too quiet, looking inward instead.
At night, she and Gen whisper to each other about the stuff they miss from home, mostly. Neither of them have said anything like it out loud yet, but Melissa still remembers the conversation they had last winter, after Crystal went missing. It wouldn't be the worst thing...
Except this year they aren't starving. So when one of them finally does say it, it won't be because of that. ]
Everyone's afraid to talk, you know? [ God, just look at the way she and Hannah had to walk in silence until they were out of earshot. ]
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[ Hannah knows. Nobody wants to oppose Shauna, who has Lottie's blessing and Taissa's support. And, at least in appearance, Hannah's loyalty. In trying to save her own life, Hannah has made herself someone to keep away from. It makes it easier for her to observe the kids and learn about their dynamics, but it's also terribly lonely.
At night she sometimes goes to Edwin's grave and sits there, silent as she tries to parse her thoughts and make them into words she wouldn't speak into the world even if she had them. It's too dangerous. She is the outsider. If she must be separate from them, she needs to be the one they risk sending out to find help.
(Mostly, all she comes up with is apology after apology. She hears her grandmother talk about the sin of pride and apologizes again, not to a god she isn't even sure is real, but to the man who saw beauty, not chaos, in her past.)
She scrubs at a splotch of mud in a pair of jeans. She's not afraid to say this, at least. ]
I want chicken nuggets. With ketchup. So bad.
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don't look at meeee this is so late
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Because I was going to ask if you wanted to stay over while I have the house to myself.
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sounds like fun! count me in
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We can watch dumb movies or something.
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when should i come over?
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want me to bring anything specific?
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